i havent updated in a while. but i really need to have somewhere to let everything out. a lot of my friends have those livejournals and they like post them on their profiles and stuff. thats just not for me. when i let out my feelings into a journal, its because i cant really talk about it with anyone else. its not to let everyone and their moms see what i'm thinking.
but anyways im trying this new diet thing. my cousin has motivated me. she lost so much weight and she looks so good. so i'm going to the gym a lot more now and i'm kind of enjoying it more i guess. but i need to work on the way i eat. its pretty bad.
i have so much to do today. i'm glad i had this week off, but it leaves me with all this time to sit around and think about all that i have to get done. i put all my hw on my desk, but now i actually have to do it...
i went to visit colleges and i have a couple more left this week. i'm really not looking forward to leaving high school. its too comfortable. having to decide what i want to do with my life? i'm not there yet. i really like quinnipiac though. maybe i can go there like a camp? haha just hang out meet new people...i guess not huh...they probably wouldnt like that too much.
whatever i'm peacing out.

Music: allister -- flypaper<3
must do: HOMEWORK and clean

i really do have too much time to think about everything
went out last night it was good times
except who had to be there? but my cousin
went downsairs for a bacon egg and cheese to find out she ate the last piece of cheese
like i know i'm being selfish and i know that they are really struggling right now
but dont you know when you're intruding JUST one step too far?

havent written in foreverrr

things are a lot better now
my cousins moved up hurr from texas and they're living with us for a while
getting kind of rough considering i'm an only girl my whole life with a family of boys and now i have to share all of my clothes and make up and hair products with someone
its okay for me to throw my clothes on the ground. not for her to wear my clothes and leave them on my floor or not hang them back up. why the fuck should i have to wash my own clothes if i wasnt the one getting them all dirty and shit.

Who put good before bye?

Who thought that’d be a cool phrase?

Well I’m not a fan.

Byes aren’t good

They never are

You’re saying ‘goodbye’ to someone

Means you’re not going to see them

Possibly ever again.

I don’t know about you

But that’s not my definition of good.

In fact, that sucks

A lot.

 

Most of the time the ‘goodbye’ isn’t exactly wanted

By one side of the party

Maybe even both.

But it’s necessary,

Even if unexplainable.

And you’re left there

With all of these questions

And the only thing close to an answer

Is two words that make you fall apart

 

But there’s nothing you can do

The ‘goodbye’ has already been stated

It’d done.

It’s over.

And there isn’t much else to be done.

Goodbye.

things were going amazingly with me and connor, we've been spending a lot of time together, just like we both said we wanted. but now all of a sudden last night he lost a big game and hes upset. which is understandable. but he was talkign to me online talking about how he wants a break from everything and he doesnt know what to do or what hes feeling? and i was like um, wait do you mean for you and me? and he said he didnt know.

okay momentary break, my landlord is in my backyard with his fucking kids and i really want to scream bc they are so incredibly obnoxious and besides the fact that i want to cry over whats going on this isnt making it better...

okay back to what is going on in my miserable insignificant life..
so he told me we needed to have a talk and to call him once i got home. i think maybe hes mad at me bc i went to a party last night with the idea that he was going to be ther and it was all his friends and he ended up not being able to go and i got shit faced and he was at home upset about his game idk what the deal was, but that cant be it. somethings wrong and hes not telling me. the worst part is that he was like i just want a break from life, i want to go somewhere that i dont have ot think about anything ever. and that freaks the shit out of me, does that mean his thinking suicidal? like idk what to do and i'm really scared.

i dont know what to do, so i called him when i got home and he didnt answer i left a voice message and he hasnt called me back yet. i dont think calling him again would be a good idea. i guess all i can do it wait around...cool.

fuck

I feel bitter

But I shouldn’t

Because its my fault

I said the words

The words that will change what we have

I said I didn’t want you anymore

But I lied

Again

But for the first time

You believed my lie

 

Why is it the one time I want you

To call me out on my lie

You sit in silence?

Is that why I’m bitter?

Because you don’t know how much I love you

How much I want you

How much apart of me that you’ve become

but everytime i try to tell you

you interupt

you tell me how i'm feeling

all i want to tell you
is that i love you.
i love you.
i love you so much.
thats the truth

Apologies don’t mean shit

I wish they did

I wish I’m sorry could mend it all

Fix the break

The break I caused

Because now this break

Is breaking things

Its breaking me

Its breaking us

 

I’m sorry

What did it do?

Nothing

It didn’t make it better

But I’m sorry,

It lets you know that I want it back

I want you back

I want back what we had

So if I could go back

To yesterday

And take it back

Back what I said

To fix the break

The break I caused

Then I would

 

But the world doesn’t work like that

Life is full of things you can’t fix

I don’t want this to be one of those things

So tell me what you want

Tell me what you truly want to do

Because my apology isn’t bringing you back to me

 

I just want you to know that I love you

Is that better than I’m sorry?

 

i'm so tired

i started the atkins diet today. its going pretty well. i just feel so lazy and shlumpy so i need a physical change. and im also going to start running with kathryn, shes so sweet.

i dont really have much to say i havent written since the beginning of the week with the whole parents thing.

but i dont know if my parents are getting divorced anymore..theyre being nice to eachotehr and stuff...i guess they're doing a trial thing, because the niceness seems really forced.

whatever as long as the yelling stops i dont really care.

i saw mona lisa smiles last night with laurena and jena. it was so good. there were some points where it felt like it was dragging on. but some girl fell down the stairs and it was sooo damn funny i was practically peeing my pants it was so funny.

everyone seems to have someone. jena has danny lauren and dillon are getting really close, katherine has tommy cait has matt alex and chris cathleen and gerard. the list continues.

notice that my name isnt there. its starting to get to me. i used to be able to deal with it, but it kind of sucks around the holidays to not have anyone.

i'm out

a retake on whats been going on the past couple of dayss::

yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away, now its though as if they're here to stay, o i believe in yesterday.

my dad played that song for my last night on the guitar. we spent a long time last night just talking.

o and by the way, shortly after my last entry about how my parents were gettinga  divorce, my dad flipped out on my brother and threw a table accross the kitchen. very sweet guy i know.

but that was monday night. tuesday was the worst day.

monday night my brother called the police and my dad was taken out of the house by the police and spent monday night at a hotel. he wasnt drunk, i guess just freakin out cuz he was sober, i dont really know. but i talked to him a lot last night just me and him, and him and my mom must have talked last night because things are a lot better today.

its amazing how your life can change so much in 4 days.

monday life was fine, the night was the worst night of my life, one that i will remember for the rest of my life, tuesday i hated my life i was at my counselors office almost all day crying. i didnt want to go home tuesday after school. then last night i talked to my dad and i saw his side of everything and we cried together. he said he felt like no one loved him and monday night when my brother called the police he cried that whole night at the hotel. he didnt sleep. that made me feel like someone punched my in the chest and stuck their hand in there and gave my lungs a good squeeze. and today wasnt much better, until i got home.

so thats why i think my parents mustve talked last night, because they went out to my moms office party together tonight. they were even joking around with eachother. my parents really confused me. they think me and my brother are the ones that need therapy? hmm...

i told jackie about it today. shes the first person other than my counselor that i've told about this. shes awesome. i'll probably tell katherine about it when she comes back from london. what a wonderful fucking week for her to be away on vacation. i'm not mad at her, just mad. she is who i really wanted to have to talk to these past couple of days.

i just have so many different feelings going on inside me. i dont know what i'm feeling about anyone right now...

the only thing keeping me from ending this day by plopping into bed is that the OC is on tonight. new episode that i've been waiting for for a good 2 weeks.

arite i have to go do my hw and get dinner finished. i just had to write all of that and let it out.

Music: incubus

i think my parents are getting a divorce and they didnt tell me about it yet. my brothers away message the other day was this big long thing about how my dad still hasnt given up drinking and how my mom was talking to him about it and how she thinks they might seperate. okay so not divorce but seperate.

then my brother friend, rob, the annoying one, sent me an email asking me if i needed to talk about it? and i dont even know whats going on what am i suppose to talk about? i didnt even know anything was wrong. i mean i know my mom slept on the couch the other night but i figured they just got into another one of their fights. arite so shes never slept on teh couch when they get into a fight, and he broke her cell phone. so things may seen worse then i was picturing.

but seperate?! why would they do that. i dont hate my dad but i feel like if he doesnt give up drinking then he really doesnt care that much about us. if he cared and really loved atleast me and my brothers, then he would quit drinking. its becoming a serious problem. he doesnt get physically violent or anything, and he doesnt hit any of us, but he gets really mad and throws things at the walls and breaks things. its only gotten this bad recently.

merry christmas to me huh?

Music: Alkaline trio